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Professional Mediation: A Good Choice
Rebecca Cohan, LICSW
No one goes through life without conflict. Tensions,
disagreements, and disputes often occur simply
because people have natural differences. We
differ in our likes and dislikes, in our personalities,
in our beliefs, and in the way we approach problems. Many
accept that conflict is inevitable, but don’t
always realize that it can have a positive outcome.
When a conflict between people simmers quietly
over time, it can lead to growing misunderstandings
and bad feelings until it finally boils over
and erupts. As painful and distressing
as this is, the resulting confrontation can be
an opportunity. When conflict is managed effectively,
not only can the immediate issue at hand be resolved,
but the underlying, original problems can be
solved as well. This can ultimately lead
to long-term change and growth and improved relationships.
In day to day life, most people work out the
issues that cause conflict with others. Parents,
for example, routinely mediate arguments between
children. Sometimes a mutual friend or colleague
can help disputing co-workers resolves their
differences. But sometimes, we get stuck. Consider
these scenarios:
Steve and Sally are trying to stay calm as
the passing minutes turn into hours. It
is 2:00 am, well past their 15 year old daughter’s
curfew. And this is not the first time. They
don’t know how things got so out of hand. Their
emotions alternate between panic and rage. Becky
has threatened to run away if they keep “trying
to control her life,” she has stopped
doing her homework, and lately she has even
skipped school. She has come home drunk
a few times, and grounding her hasn’t
worked. She just screams “you can’t
make me stay home” and storms out.
***************
Anna stares blankly out her kitchen window. Today
is her 70th birthday, but she doesn’t
feel like celebrating. For 50 years she
worked to build a business she could leave
to her children. She had assumed that
by now she would be retired and able to do
the traveling and relaxing she had denied herself
for years. But her sons, both of whom
have joined the business, are fighting, and
she’s afraid to leave. Their arguments
over business decisions have turned personal,
each accusing the other of being her favorite
son.
**************
When Bill died 4 years ago, he selected Maggie,
the second of his four children, to manage
the family trusts and investments and to take
care of their mother, who was in failing health. The
two youngest children, John and Martha, were
relieved to avoid this burden, but Andy, the
eldest, was furious. Even though Maggie
was a professional in the field of finance,
he didn’t trust her. Recently,
their mother died, and it is time to divide
the estate. But Andy is threatening to
sue Maggie in court. And now John and
Martha are furious, because it will take years
for them to finally take possession of their
inheritance.
**************
In situations like these, and in many others
as well, professional mediation can be helpful. Mediation
is a process in which a neutral person helps
those who are in conflict with each other negotiate
their differences. When adults disagree
about an issue that is important and emotionally
charged, when their communication breaks down
and misunderstandings and mistrust develop, they
can often benefit from consulting a professionally
trained mediator.
Most people think of mediation in the context
of legal disputes such as divorce on the home
front, or contract and labor disputes in the
workplace, or even peace negotiations between
warring countries. But a collaborative
approach to dispute resolution with the help
of a mediator can help in other relationships
and situations as well, particularly in families. Here
are some examples:
- Parents and their children – An
obvious arena for conflict is between parents
and teenagers, but conflicts arise with younger
children as well which can benefit from mediation
- Adult children and their older parents – Even
when children become adults and move away from
home, important conflicts can happen, especially
around major life stage transitions such as
parents’ retirement, the arrival of grandchildren,
estate planning, etc.
- Adult siblings – Sometimes adult
siblings struggle over plans they must make
for aging and ailing parents, or over plans
following the death of a parent.
- Blended families – The remarriage
of adults with children can create a host of
conflicts, between parents and stepchildren,
and among step-siblings which could benefit
from mediation
- Divorced parents – Co-parenting
from separate households can be especially
challenging for divorced couples.
- United couples – And even couples
who maintain their relationship can turn to
mediation to assist in seemingly insurmountable
conflict.
- Family businesses – Conflicts
between relatives who are also trying to run
a successful business together can carry great
risk on many levels.
So how can mediation help? Mediators are
professionals who have been trained in the theory,
principles and techniques of basic mediation
practice. They come from diverse professional
backgrounds, including law, mental health, education
and business. They often also have areas of special
expertise, such as divorce, or labor disputes. The
mediator is always neutral, and the process is
voluntary and confidential.
The role of the mediator is to:
- Facilitate communication
- Promote mutual understanding
- Focus the disputants on their interests
- Seek creative problem solving
- Enable the parties to move beyond their blocks
and reach their own agreements
Mediation often leads to a win/win outcome in
which relationships that were stressed and fragile
can rebuild and transform.
Rebecca Cohan is a Staff Social Worker at HRS. She
has advanced training in mediation and extensive
experience in helping couples, families and workplace
associates resolve their conflicts.
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