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Just Say No?
Robert Evans, Ed.D.
Years ago, during my training, I attended a
seminar that met evenings at the home of an eminent
Boston psychologist. Arriving early one
night, I heard children shouting distantly above
me, up in the third floor. Then suddenly
I heard the eminent psychologist’s voice
boom out, “Because your goddam father says
so, that’s why!”
I was stunned. I didn’t have children
yet, but I imagined that, properly trained, you
would never have to speak to your offspring this
way because you would always know how to get
them to comply. And I knew the eminent
psychologist would be embarrassed to have a rookie
overhear him in a most unpsychological moment. But
he came down the stairs and, with no trace of
embarrassment, said, “Hi. How are
you?”
It had been a hot day. His sons, aged
ten and twelve, were sweaty and dirty, and he
wanted them to take baths started so that they
would be ready for bed when his seminar was over. He
called up to get their attention—once,
twice, three times. No answer. The
fourth time they yelled back, “What.”
“Come down here,” he told them.
“Why?” they yelled back.
So he told them why. He wasn’t enraged,
he was just telling them. Often, this is
the only answer a parent can give: “Because
I say so.” During 30 years as a parent
and therapist, his example has stayed with me. He
was a very caring father, but one who cared enough
to insist when he needed to. More and more
parents, it seems, find it hard to say no.
We are busier and more pressed. We have
less time for our kids and feel guilty. We
want things to go well and often lack the energy
or patience for family friction. And often,
we’re not confident about what is the “right” way
to handle problem behavior. Moreover, many
parents have been led to believe that it is harmful
to say no to children.
Just the opposite is true. A key contributor
to strong self-esteem in children is clear limits
by their parents. When children know what
goes and what doesn’t, their world is more
secure. They grow up more confident, even
if there is occasional controversy at home. When
they never hear “No,” things may
be smoother on the surface, but children don’t
gain the skills and confidence they will need
as adults and parents.
One way to say no constructively is to avoid
overexplaining. When you have explained
to children three times why they must do something
they don’t want to do, or can’t do
something they do want to do, what else can you
offer? Repeating yourself a fourth time
is unlikely to cause them to say, “Ohhh,
now I get it. Thank you for persevering. I
see that you were right and I was wrong.” Once
you’ve heard your child’s point of
view and reclarified your own, there is not much
more you can say, except, “Because your
mother says so.”
Needless to say, seting limits can cause upset
and friction. This is not just inevitable,
it is useful. For young people to eventually
become successful parents they need good models. There
is no way to do this and keep them perpetually
happy. But the ultimate point of parenting
is not to have children like us all the
time, but to have them belike us
when they are raising their own children. Parents
certainly have a right to limit how children
express their dislike, but not to expect that
children won’t be disappointed or resentful. What
they need to do is to let their children “get
glad again.”
The phrase is my mother’s. Sometimes,
when she just seemed impossibly rigid and my
sister and brother and I told her so, she would
say, “Well, you’ll just have to get
glad again,” and walk off. Instead
of arguing further, she just stopped negotiating. She
wasn’t upset, she didn’t yell. She
said it matter-of-factly and left the room. It
made me furious—temporarily. I used
to think to myself, “I won’t get
glad again.” But of course I always
did. Children always do. But even
if they didn’t, there still isn’t
much else a parent can say, once she has explained
the reasons for her decision, and repeated them
a time or two. As long as the decision
is consistent, in a broad, general way, with
her established practices and core values, it
is unlikely to harm the children. Even
if they dislike it they can make sense out of
it. And as long as parents can remember
this, they can be truer to themselves and can
give their children a framework for growing up
and for becoming good parents themselves.
Dr. Evans, a psychologist, is the Director of
HRS. This article is adapted from his book, Family
Matters: How Schools Can Cope with The Crisis
in Childrearing.
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